I don't know what is causing this feeling of unrealness. Could it be
the numb feeling from the meds (sometimes I take extra),
my learning how to put on an act of normalcy in public,
brief periods of amnesia from stress (PTSD) or
just waiting for death (suicide)
It feels like I am existing on a different plane
Like I'm on a lay-over flight between real life and death.
Has anyone else had this feeling?
Sometimes, when I am with people, I don't remember what they said or what I said or did.It is scary because I feel that I am walking on a tightrope over a large bottomless pit. Sometimes, the experience of falling down through the pit feels natural to me and mental fantasies are hard to be seen as fantasies. Real seems fake and fake real.Time becomes void-past, present and future all blend into one entity.
But I try to smile and tell myself if I fall apart and can't put myself back together again, Pat can find out what happened and try to fix it with his gentle manner. Or he'll get help for me.
I want to thank those who commented on the previous posting.
I delete my stuff because I don't want to leave anything behind that may be offensive or demeaning to the living or the dead.
The pain and stress I have that come from people-those of you who have followed my blog know who they are (and I sure as heck know who they are). But it would be unfair to them to blame my problems or demise on them.
I'm unraveling.
Who the hell am I?
That was rhetorical
My therapist told me (as an example), if a "normal" person needs 5 positive affirmations a day in order to feel good about him/herself, a BPD needs 25!That's because in BPD, one does not have any kind of stable sense of self. And, the good stuff of today are lost in the memory the next day. (At least, that is my situation).
Dominus Vobiscum
